A much-needed perspective on how to mother difficult adult children while balancing one’s own needs.

Difficult brings to life the conflicts that arise for mothers who are confronted with the unexpected, burdensome, and even catastrophic dependencies of their adult children associated with mental illness, substance use, or chronic unemployment. Through real stories of mothers and their challenging adult children, this book offers relatable, provocative, and, at times, shocking illustrations of the excruciating maternal dilemma: Which takes precedence—the needs of the mother or of the distressed adult child?

With guidance for finding social support, staying safe, engaging in self-care, and helping the adult child, Difficult is a compassionate resource for those living in a family situation which too many keep secret and allows readers to see that they are not alone.

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Difficult will appeal to a wide audience, most notably to women whose lives are consumed by the emotional, financial, and temporal demands of adult offspring who are unable to independently

manage their own lives. It will also be informative and useful to practitioners and academics in social work, sociology, gerontology, elder abuse, developmental psychology, and mental health. It can serve as a primer for anyone who wants to understand how and why some women feel the need to remain involved, even in control, of an adult child’s life. Any reader is sure to come away with a deeper appreciation for the immense burden carried by mothers who recognize an adult child’s chronic state of crisis and those mothers’ subsequent decision to mobilize when their adult child’s limitations manifest in consequences too dire to tolerate, thus necessitating their intervention and ongoing, active involvement.

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In this thorough, empathetic account of this important previously-swept-aside issue, Judith R. Smith combines eight years of research and grimly honest stories from mothers of children who have SMI (serious mental illness), addiction, and other issues we never expected to face in our kids. There has never been a book like this. If you’re a mother still inside the journey no one wants to speak about, get this book. You’ll be glad you did.

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Reading this very welcome book, I was faced with a barrage of emotions: Terrible sadness at the sacrifices made by so many women to keep their child as safe as they know how; Anger at the expectations and prejudices in the attitudes of others towards mothers giving a home or a helping hand to their adult children; Weary resignation in the knowledge that the public services needed to take over the care still do not exist in sufficient numbers; A smile at the similarities in so much of the book with my own field of child to parent violence and abuse; [and] a shout of joy that the book exists – an answer to so many emails and calls for help that I and others receive each week!

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[Smith] offers a nuanced and compassionate portrait of the women engaged in difficult mothering, along with guidance on how to move forward.... “A mother’s self-blame and her internal mandate to protect her children do not disappear as her children age,” Smith writes. Fortunately, Difficult serves as a much-needed source of wisdom, compassion, and practical instruction for women engaged in the task of difficult mothering.