Writer Ivan Connor is desperate. His publisher has turned down his new novel, his agent is out of ideas, and the only person to turn up at his latest reading is his mum.

He's deeply jealous of Francesca Brady, a hugely successful author of fat romantic books for fat romantic people, whose expansive hair and bright red lipstick mock him from posters everywhere he goes.

He's also living at home since his marriage broke up, and he's just collected the wrong child from school.

But one night Connor stumbles on a route back to the top, via a beautiful model, two deranged psychopaths, a multi-million pound publishing fraud, true love and utter heartbreak...